I may lose my mind. I can't think, I can't talk, I can't do anything. My mind is constantly locked on the upcoming surgery. I'm giving up. My hair has roots, my nail polish is chipped, my legs are hairy. I just don't care. As of next week I will be laid up in a hospital bed and locked away for 3 months. I don't know what 3 months recovery will be like. Will I be able to turn over a new leaf and awaken a new healthier Heidi? This is the story I tell in public. I'm going to wake up and appreciate all I've been given. I'm going to live everyday to the fullest now that I've been given a third shot at life. All this sounds good, but can I do it? I'm so tired. I'm so tired of fighting. Everyday I fight to have a positive outlook, to be thankful for life, to just live. Now don't mistake me, I am happy, I am grateful, but some day's I just want to worry about dull things. Sometimes I feel like my health rules my life.
One day I'm going to run away. Spend a month on a deserted island, maybe a year in Nashville, or the rest of my life in a small fishing village in Greece. Maybe I won't be sick, maybe it won't matter, maybe I won't care.
Tomorrow will be 8 days til surgery.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Big Shower Day
Don't read this if you are easily offended by poop.
So once a week as an ostomy patient you have a big shower day. It has to be in the morning to minimize leakage and it is the day you change your ostomy appliance. I try to make this day on the weekend so I have maximum time and I don't have to get up stupid early before work. Honestly I hate and love this day. I love it because it is the only day I get to take off all my bandages and take a long shower, but I hate it because there is nothing worst than cleaning your whole body and then pooping on yourself and having to start over. For those who don't know you can't control your stoma and when it decides to go off. The thing has a mind of its own and no matter how many times you yell at it to behave (and all ostomy patients do this) it never listens.
So today is my shower day. I'm procrastinating cause it just takes so much work to change all my bandages and the appliance. I just want to have a normal shower, where all you need to go is dry yourself off afterward and get dressed. No big production. Ah, the days when a shower was just a shower. Never take for granted the small stuff that makes up normal life. Don't worry there is very little I can't do, but some stuff comes with added tasks, like taking a shower.
So once a week as an ostomy patient you have a big shower day. It has to be in the morning to minimize leakage and it is the day you change your ostomy appliance. I try to make this day on the weekend so I have maximum time and I don't have to get up stupid early before work. Honestly I hate and love this day. I love it because it is the only day I get to take off all my bandages and take a long shower, but I hate it because there is nothing worst than cleaning your whole body and then pooping on yourself and having to start over. For those who don't know you can't control your stoma and when it decides to go off. The thing has a mind of its own and no matter how many times you yell at it to behave (and all ostomy patients do this) it never listens.
So today is my shower day. I'm procrastinating cause it just takes so much work to change all my bandages and the appliance. I just want to have a normal shower, where all you need to go is dry yourself off afterward and get dressed. No big production. Ah, the days when a shower was just a shower. Never take for granted the small stuff that makes up normal life. Don't worry there is very little I can't do, but some stuff comes with added tasks, like taking a shower.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Pre-OP
It is all a go. I met my gynecologist on Friday and had pre-op on Monday. Surgery #6 will take place 8am April 4th at Mount Sinai hospital. I will be having a j-pouch construction and tubal ligation???? I might be getting the names mixed up, bare with me. I will have two surgeons and handful of other people and it will take 3 hours. I'm not going to attempt to explain a j-pouch in today's blog. Wanna know, google it. As for the tube tieing thing, well kids arn't really in my future anymore. More about that later.
The pre-op was as promiced dull, dull, dull. A lot of answering the same question 16 times. Some guys looked at my inch thick file and one already knew who I was. You know you've been sick when the nurse preping you for surgery remembers you from 15 years ago when you had cancer. Ah, the cancer, again I will explain that later, that was surgery one and two.
Honestly this blog is just to keep people up to date on the surgery and the 3 month recovery. I don't know how much detail I will go into. If I will blog about how I feel and my unhealthy past. I will try to blog everyday. But as it was when I went through cancer, some days you just can't talk about it. Some days are good days when everything will be alright. Some days you just cry and say "why me". And some days, like today, it seems remote, like it's happening to someone else and you feel a little dead.
So today you won't get much out of me. Maybe if later in the day I feel more up to it I may explain the pre-op in more detail, but for now I kept my promice and I started my blog. That's something.
The pre-op was as promiced dull, dull, dull. A lot of answering the same question 16 times. Some guys looked at my inch thick file and one already knew who I was. You know you've been sick when the nurse preping you for surgery remembers you from 15 years ago when you had cancer. Ah, the cancer, again I will explain that later, that was surgery one and two.
Honestly this blog is just to keep people up to date on the surgery and the 3 month recovery. I don't know how much detail I will go into. If I will blog about how I feel and my unhealthy past. I will try to blog everyday. But as it was when I went through cancer, some days you just can't talk about it. Some days are good days when everything will be alright. Some days you just cry and say "why me". And some days, like today, it seems remote, like it's happening to someone else and you feel a little dead.
So today you won't get much out of me. Maybe if later in the day I feel more up to it I may explain the pre-op in more detail, but for now I kept my promice and I started my blog. That's something.
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