Am I sick?

I can see a helicopter on the roof of Sick Kids Hospital. I may not know why it's there but I do know that the person it is there for is sicker than me. I've never been helicoptered to a hospital before. I have been taken by ambulance, many times. I've also been transfurred between hospitals. I also reconize photos of doctors in medical journals. I'm sicker than all my friends, but I'm not sicker than my friend's parents. I'm sicker than some of the people in this hospital but there are many more who are much sicker. I've never quite known where I stand on the scale of healthy vs sick. This is a question I constantly wreastle with. Too often I just compare myself to the person standing next to me. Some days I've been through hell and back and somedays I've just had some bad luck. I want someone to give me a scale that measures illness and give me a number. And with the number comes certain rights. If you are a 6-10 you are intittled to a seat on the subway. Under 2 you are not allowed to make referance to your condition at dinner parties.
I just want someone to tell me how sick I am.

Cancer vs j-pouch

So the emails and well wishes are rolling in. Friends and family from past, present and future. What people often forget about major illnesses is that they effect more than just the person suffering from the illness. There are many people in my life affected by what I'm going through. Sometimes it reminds them of their own mortaility, sometimes it is a reminder of somone they have lost.
Yesterday I recieved a message from an old friend who had been with me when I went through cancer 15 years ago. She said she knew I was strong enough to pull through this as I had in the past.
I am very torn between the feeling that I can handle this because I've been ill before and the "why me" feeling. I know I can survive this but I'm angry that I have to do it AGAIN.
On the positive front I wouldn't have the insight that comes with six surgeries if I hadn't had cancer and ulcortive colitis.

The Day After

So it looks like operation #6 will stretch into operation #7. Things did not go as planned. I don't know the full details yet, still waiting for my surgeon to explain what happened. What I do know is I still have a stoma, albeit a new one. The bag lives on, and my jeans remain in my closet for another three months.

It's not all bad. Sometimes it feels bad, but in the grand scheme of things, it isn't. They created the j-pouch, it's there waiting to be hooked up, but unfortunately couldn't be completed yesterday as per the original plan. I will need another surgery in three months, to hook everything up, and to finally get rid of the bag.

I wish I could tell you how I feel. But a combination of the hospital, the drugs, the good company (Mike) and the fact that I'm extremely hungry have confused my senses and my feelings. I think I'm upset, but at the same time I'm not. I lived for six months with the bag, I know I can live another three. I'm sure there will be posts in the future where I cry, and I'm upset, and I wish it was all done with, but for now I'm content. Another stage has passed, and that makes me happy.

Out of surgery, in the dark

Heidi is back in her room, playing with ice cube lollipops. She's a little out of it. We're still waiting for the doctor to visit and debrief, so we don't know if the operation was a success, failure, or somewhere in between. Most importantly, she is awake and looks pretty damn good for someone who just went through four hours of surgery.

I was hoping she could dictate this post but the script would read something like Fear and Loathing. Maybe tomorrow. Tonight it's sweet dreams and push button pain control.

More tomorrow.

Here we go

Heidi is in surgery as I write this post. Bit of a late start but all systems are finally go. Will update once she is out of recovery.
Mike

Surgery day

So here it is. I'm gowned up, I've had my vidals tested and I'm ready to go. Don't ask me how I feel right now. There is no feeling as you sit waiting for surgery. I just feel kind of numb. In about an hour I will be put under. Time will stand still for me and I will wake up feeling much different from how I do now. For now I wait, when I wake up life will be different. Life will be better.

9 days

I may lose my mind. I can't think, I can't talk, I can't do anything. My mind is constantly locked on the upcoming surgery. I'm giving up. My hair has roots, my nail polish is chipped, my legs are hairy. I just don't care. As of next week I will be laid up in a hospital bed and locked away for 3 months. I don't know what 3 months recovery will be like. Will I be able to turn over a new leaf and awaken a new healthier Heidi? This is the story I tell in public. I'm going to wake up and appreciate all I've been given. I'm going to live everyday to the fullest now that I've been given a third shot at life. All this sounds good, but can I do it? I'm so tired. I'm so tired of fighting. Everyday I fight to have a positive outlook, to be thankful for life, to just live. Now don't mistake me, I am happy, I am grateful, but some day's I just want to worry about dull things. Sometimes I feel like my health rules my life.

One day I'm going to run away. Spend a month on a deserted island, maybe a year in Nashville, or the rest of my life in a small fishing village in Greece. Maybe I won't be sick, maybe it won't matter, maybe I won't care.

Tomorrow will be 8 days til surgery.

Big Shower Day

Don't read this if you are easily offended by poop.

So once a week as an ostomy patient you have a big shower day. It has to be in the morning to minimize leakage and it is the day you change your ostomy appliance. I try to make this day on the weekend so I have maximum time and I don't have to get up stupid early before work. Honestly I hate and love this day. I love it because it is the only day I get to take off all my bandages and take a long shower, but I hate it because there is nothing worst than cleaning your whole body and then pooping on yourself and having to start over. For those who don't know you can't control your stoma and when it decides to go off. The thing has a mind of its own and no matter how many times you yell at it to behave (and all ostomy patients do this) it never listens.

So today is my shower day. I'm procrastinating cause it just takes so much work to change all my bandages and the appliance. I just want to have a normal shower, where all you need to go is dry yourself off afterward and get dressed. No big production. Ah, the days when a shower was just a shower. Never take for granted the small stuff that makes up normal life. Don't worry there is very little I can't do, but some stuff comes with added tasks, like taking a shower.

Pre-OP

It is all a go. I met my gynecologist on Friday and had pre-op on Monday. Surgery #6 will take place 8am April 4th at Mount Sinai hospital. I will be having a j-pouch construction and tubal ligation???? I might be getting the names mixed up, bare with me. I will have two surgeons and handful of other people and it will take 3 hours. I'm not going to attempt to explain a j-pouch in today's blog. Wanna know, google it. As for the tube tieing thing, well kids arn't really in my future anymore. More about that later.

The pre-op was as promiced dull, dull, dull. A lot of answering the same question 16 times. Some guys looked at my inch thick file and one already knew who I was. You know you've been sick when the nurse preping you for surgery remembers you from 15 years ago when you had cancer. Ah, the cancer, again I will explain that later, that was surgery one and two.

Honestly this blog is just to keep people up to date on the surgery and the 3 month recovery. I don't know how much detail I will go into. If I will blog about how I feel and my unhealthy past. I will try to blog everyday. But as it was when I went through cancer, some days you just can't talk about it. Some days are good days when everything will be alright. Some days you just cry and say "why me". And some days, like today, it seems remote, like it's happening to someone else and you feel a little dead.

So today you won't get much out of me. Maybe if later in the day I feel more up to it I may explain the pre-op in more detail, but for now I kept my promice and I started my blog. That's something.